Sorry tumblr’s I almost forgot about yalls.
I posted this last thursday when it really was my birthday.
I made the song all on an iPhone, because, you know, duh.
Amanda Censored - Under The Holy Bible & Two Double Cheeseburgers, Licks an Old Fashioned Television Screen From The Inside on a Shelf with Six Encyclopedias Over an Urn, Crystalware, a Dead Mouse in a Trap & a Spork
Amanda - Under The Holy Bible & Two Double Cheeseburgers, Licks an Old Fashioned Television Screen From The Inside on a Shelf with Six Encyclopedias Over an Urn, Crystalware, a Dead Mouse in a Trap & a Spork
Recently a man in Connecticut was found with 300 gallons of his own pee in his house.
When I made this picture of me pretending to pay my taxes in pure “California Gold” I actually did my due diligence and collected my own pee for an entire month.
Here are 74 things I learned.
9. Drink a Coke, pee a Coke, volume barely changes at all.
20. Pee gets darker with age.
3. Peeing in bottles is pragmatic and therefore kinda addictive.
9. It’s not that weird. What’s weird is how much water we use to flush such small amounts of pee.
44. Many bottles of pee can be rather mesmerizing both aesthetically and existentially.
46. I sorta get why Howard Hughes kept doing it.
16. 300 gallons would take maybe a year tops for a motivated urinator.
76. Emptying 60 bottles of pee is less fun than filling them.
11. I am able to break a habit quickly even if it’s practical and sorta fun.
Internet Name Game
LI=Lifetime, AB=ABC7, BE=Bear, ET=Ethanol, TH=Thanksgiving. IE=Internet Explorer, EE=Electroencephalography, EL=Elmo, LI=Lil Wayne, IZ=Izikothane, ZA=Zales, TA=Taco Bell, AL=Alcatraz.
Oh the depths they will go to be shallow. — Aquaman
If the Westboro Baptists don’t picket my funeral, my life will have been a waste. — Nancy Reagan
The waves were tall and thin when I visited the beach yesterday. A Strong wind blowing west and another blowing east, they climbed up between, 100 feet in the air, only to crash down as transparent neutered wisps.
I’d been visited by a few ex girlfriends earlier on. One left me with nostalgic feelings, another left me feeling lonely and another left me appreciating my freedom like never before.
Quite a salad, that.
But the one who left me with the feeling that lingers was the early one I never pursued. Of course we long for that which we can’t have or haven’t had, but it’s true what they say about regrets not being about things we’ve done but rather things we haven’t.
Or people we haven’t.
It’s probably too late now, she’s married with two kids and lives in a city far away.
Not that far, but allow me my dramatics.
A lot of musicians have been coming back into my life lately too. It’s a melancholic sort of feeling that I can’t say I hate. They dress better than most, but ultimately the song and dance of humanity just reminds me how quickly it all ends.
I don’t like thinking about the end.
Point is: When home starts hurting, go on tour.
That’s all for now.
Don’t get caught rushing out to sea.
Ok, so, you have gun at your head and a potluck dinner table set for 6 that must be filled with celebrities or someone you love dies.
You get the 12 o’clock seat, going clockwise who get’s the other 5 and why?
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Beth the Bounty Hunter
All my guests are invited because of their commitment to a fastidious personal aesthetic. Tim Gunn & Dog for their enormously contrasting but genuine approaches to finding and nurturing potential in others, Beth because I need to learn to accept the fact that some couples are in fact OK. Ozzy because, duh, he is Ozzy, but specifically because he made the theme song for The Bounty Hunter show and his daughter Kelly does that Fashion Police show with Joan Rivers, who, as an opinionated fashion commentator, will keep conversation moving and will kevínbacón the gap to Tim Gunn.
Yes, I used Kevin Bacon as a french verb.
I have seated Tim Gunn and Dog at my sides because, should they not immediately notice, I will be there to point out their numerous inspirational commonalities, massage the exchange and midwife the birth of what is sure to be the worlds most fabulous “bromance”.
I believe I get a pass for that word here.
Even if Beth and Ozzy don’t have much to discuss, she has the biggest boobs in the world, so I put her next to him, across from Joan (who LOVES talking about boobs) and between Ozzy and Dog forcing any Ozzy/Dog chit chat to straddle her vast undulating booblastic expanse.
I’m good at this.
Tim Gunn sits next to Joan because, come on.
You may have noticed that all the guests get to sit next to at least one member of the opposite sex except for me. BUT, although I’m not yet actually “gay”, the creation of this fantasy celebrity dinner scenario should over-qualify me as such, allowing Tim Gunn to satisfy any required under the table footsie potentialities.
btw, I HATE seating assignments.
Anyway, everyone will leave this dinner better people than when they arrived.
Wait, not better, fatter.
I meant fatter.
Now you go.
Thunderbird Branded Brunette Amalgam of 13 Women w/ Geometric Diamond, Flying Foxdragon, Bat ‘n Cat, Snake ‘n Ladder, Latin, Beavis & Butthead Tattoos Stands Before a 66 T-Bird on Oak St. w/ 3 Flying Bats,Mini Cuban Xmas Tree, Skull, Glowy Eyed Cat, Baby’s Hand, Binky, Steak, Pile of Guns, & Plastic Pope.
Peterbilt Branded Ginger Amalgam of 13 Women w/ Ship, Brontosaurus, Jet, Can Opener, Corkscrew & Congratulatory Tattoos Stands Before a Gas Tanker Near Pump 666 at The Divisadero Car Wash w/ 2 Apples, Pocket Watch, Pirate Mug, Kitten, Wildebeast, Stalin, Praying Hitler & Fireworks.
Jaguar Branded Blonde Amalgam of 13 Women w Monster Couple, “Like”, 3 Head 3 Eyed Dragon, Lion, Lamb, Pentagram Geometry & Literally Worded Tattoos Stands Before a White X300 on Scott St. w/ Barricade, White Rose, 5 Doves, Toy Cat, Royal Plushy, Overly Endowed Inflatable Bipedal Amphibian & Naked Street Walker.
Lea Luna - Poses Between Two Wind Up Victrolas in Front of an Old Pump Organ Pretending to be a Knock Kneed Victorian DJ Snake Charmer.
Uno Charro, Dos Charos & Trinta y Tres Churros.
El Lunch-ador Para La Lunch-a-Libre